Pisces - (19 February - 20 March) *that's me!*
The next person to offer you advice will have a secret agenda that you ought to be wary of. Many of your hang-ups would disappear if you started wearing clothes that more suited you.



Aquarius - (20 January - 18 February)
Hearing clicking noises in your head is not a good sign for you today. The very thought of coming up with a horoscope for you made me laugh. You may be the most pathetic thing I've ever come across - but DON'T BE SAD! You are on the verge of a massive breakthrough.

Capricorn - (22 December - 19 January)
Having a box of tissues close to hand might become important over the coming minutes. You can't go wrong today - everything is set up for brilliance. Grey is definitely the colour of the week for you - although next week's special colours will be an interesting mixture of black, blue and deep, deep red.

Sagittarius - (22 November - 21 December)
Today might be a good day to walk around with your arms stretched forwards in a "mummy" style. Your mind is filled with thoughts of sexual inadequacy and hey, maybe you're right. Many things that people say over the coming days will appear nonsensical, but may start to make sense towards the end of the week.

Scorpio - (24 October - 21 November)
You're a mug. You always have been and you always will be. Change, and your friends will stop liking you as much. Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today. Many of your emotions have been plagiarised by others who have no idea how you feel. NO IDEA I TELLS YA!

Libra - (23 September - 23 October)
Love makes the world go round, and peaches make a very nice accompaniment to sweetcorn. Hopefully the pains you're currently experiencing will disappear over the coming hours. Within 2 years, everything you've experienced here will be gone.

Virgo - (23 August - 22 September)
A hard life will get harder for you this week as you start drinking heavily. Hexes may impair your vision today if you attempt to cross an invisible boundary. Feeling locked up when you're in an open park is a sure sign that you're slightly claustrophobic. This horoscope was brought to you in association with the bloody obvious.

Leo - (23 July - 22 August)
Everything you have been taught will be forgotten in a crazy moment of rash behaviour. Your appetites may increase today as the doctors finally remove the scissors they left inside you during your last operation. You might find you start aching below the knee, today.

Cancer - (22 June - 22 July)
Horrible smells and green patches on your body may make your day turn sour. Although it may be true that you are being hunted down by pirates, you may wish to avoid using the name "Long Dong Silver". The feeling you have inside will be thrown into sharp relief when your bowel is emptied.

Gemini - (21 May - 21 June)
This year may seem to have started as you intended, but what's happened since, eh? Nothing. You haven't done anything. Get out there and get something sorted! Tomorrow will bring fresh excitement and vigour to your otherwise dull self. You can test yourself today by attempting to abstain from gratuitous sex or violence.

Taurus - (20 April - 20 May)
You are a complete fraud - the sooner you accept it, the better. Although danger is never far away, you may have an exhilirating time in the coming days.

Aries - (21 March - 19 April)
Many of the solutions given to you in life make you feel like there's no hope. This is true. Heavy drinking can lead to a certain number of social problems.

**disclaimer**
The above horoscopes you read are intended for humor purposes only. If you did not enjoy your horoscope too darn bad!